Security
by Still Awesome2009
Summary: John never felt any pain like it, losing Mary was like one thousand and one needles being shoved into his eyes. It was worst than dying. It was worst than eternal hellfire. And he couldn’t have survived without Sam and Dean by his side.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Security

**Author: **Still Awesome2009

**Rating: **T- for possible adult language

**Warning: **Not really a warning, just information about the fic- It's a SONGFIC I wrote to the song **Security **by **Joss Stone** if anyone wanted to listen before they read. It is un-betaed and all mistakes are mine. And it is a multi chapter fic taking place at different periods of time before Stanford. And just to kid of elaborate more on the song choice- I wanted the lyrics to be what Mary would be saying to John and the boys, her plea for them to move on. I wrote this as my entry for the Theme Challenge- June 2008 at SFTCOL(AR)S.

**Summary: **John never felt any pain like it, losing Mary was like one thousand and one needles being shoved into his eyes. It was worst than dying. It was worst than eternal hellfire. And he couldn't have survived without Sam and Dean by his side. They wouldn't have survived without Mary watching over them.

Chapter 1 0f 2

**November 2, 1983**

_A loss that would have thrown  
A hole through anybody's soul  
And you were only human after all  
So don't hold back the tears my dear  
Release them so your eyes can clear  
I know that you will rise again  
But you gotta let them fall  
I wish that I could snap my fingers  
Erase the past but no  
You cannot rewind reality  
Once the tape's unrolled_

John sat on the hood of the Impala, the only thing that remained of the life he lost mere moments ago. Sammy is crying, like he wishes he could, but he had to be strong because Dean was watching him. Dean was watching, waiting for his Daddy to say that everything is going to be okay, that his Mommy is going to come back any minute now and tuck him into bed with a kiss and stories of angels. And it hurt John to his core of his soul as he turned to the four year old and said, "I'm sorry Dean, but I don't know. I don't know if everything is going to be okay, but your Mommy is fine, your Mommy is watching over you and Sammy."

"Daddy, when can we go home?" Dean asked.

John almost didn't hear Dean as he continued to try to calm Sam. "I'm sorry, Dean…" God he was saying that a lot now… _I'm sorry Dean your Mommy isn't coming back… I'm sorry Dean we can't go home, we're homeless…_ "We can't go home tonight." _Not ever._

"Mr. Winchester?" It was a fire fighter.

"Yes?" John asked looking up at the man.

"We are still trying to determine the cause of the fire, and uhm…sorry can we talk in private? An office r can watch your boys, if that is okay? They can hang around in the fire truck with the dog." He said eyeing the little boy and crying infant in John's arms.

"Uhm, sure, that would be better. Thank you." John agreed as him and the fireman escorted the boys to the red fire engine. "So?" John asked stepping away from the fire truck.

"Mr. Winchester, I'm Captain Joseph Rogers. I wanted to give my condolences. I, like your sons, lost my mother in a fire. I was seven, and I know, personally, that that kind of loss can be devastating." John nodded. It was all he could do to keep the tears at bay. He didn't want to believe his Mary is gone, but this man's words confirmed it. "I really hate to do this so soon, but it's probably better to do it now rather than later." Joseph took a breath. "You have the all clear to save any of your belongings from your home- clothing, pictures, memories, whatever is salvageable. Just know that you're welcome to come back later, it is after all your home."

"Thanks." John shuffled back and forth on his feet. He needed to do this now. "Did you find her… her body? I just, I need to know."

"I'm sorry. My men are still trying to get the body out. Uhm, Mr. Winchester- John- I really think you and your boys need to get out of here when we get the body out, a body bag can really mess children up- nightmares, depression." John nodded in agreement. "The others and I are willing to allow you and your boys to stay at the station until things are settled, but if you would rather stay in a hotel or with relatives we will get you there. We just don't feel right letting you go off without knowing your boys have a place to stay tonight."

"Thank you for the offer, Dean would really like that. He's always wanted to be a fireman." Joseph smiled; he could tell John loved his family. He just wished the man would shed the tears that were clearly being held back; show just an inkling of emotion. It just isn't healthy to hold those emotions in like that.

"Hey Deano, do you want anything from the house? I'm going to some of our stuff for the night." John asked the four year old who was softly talking to his still crying baby brother.

"Can you bring Mommy and Blinky? I think Sammy misses them." John almost lost it; he could feel the sting of tears trying to find release at those innocent words.

"I'll try and find Blinky for Sammy." John answered.

"And Mommy, don't forget Mommy." Dean added as his dad walked toward the house.

John wandered through the hallways looking at the pictures the fire and soot destroyed. They were all gone, all their family's memories- Sam and Dean's christening pictures, he wedding, the picture of him and Mary before Dean was—John looked at the picture. Him and Mary took that picture the day they found how they were going to have a baby. The glass was broken and the frame brazed, but only soot got to the photograph. John took the picture off the wall, maybe it could be saved.

John walked into Sammy's room, he had to see it, and he had to know if he really saw Mary. The room was completely destroyed, even if Mary was in there she had no chance. Sam's crib was blackened and burnt. _That could have been my son tonight, oh god I could have lost my baby boy. How could this have happened? _"How could god let this happen?" John whispered to himself.

"Sir, this room's off limits. You can't come in this room while we are working." A fireman ordered. John took one last look and turned around.

"Stop wandering around John. Find Blinky for Dean and get your kids out of here." To say Dean was obsessed with Blinky would be John smiled as he remembered the four year old boy in the hospital bed with Mary and Sammy. John tried to stop Dean from climbing onto to the bed, because of the equipment, but Dean was on the bed before he could do anything to stop him. Dean just wanted to know why his baby brother was crying, Dean insisted it was because Sammy was scared so he decided he would share it to Sam. The way Dean carried around that blanket John started to wonder if Dean thought it shielded him from bad stuff. Later Dean confessed he gave up Blinky because when Sammy cried it made him sad.

John looked around Dean's room. It wasn't as damaged as Sam's room. And John was thankful for that, because he found Blinky rather quickly. It was in a storage chest under Dean's bed.

"Mr. Winchester are you almost done in here?" It was Captain Rogers. John hadn't even heard him enter. "They're about to carry your wife out. "

"Yeah, for now…just let me get some clothes and diapers for the boys." John said as he quickly picked out some clothes from the metal storage chest.

"Don't worry about it there is plenty at the department." Joseph said as he guided John out of the house.

John placed Sam in the crib that was donated to them by the fire department. "Dad?"

"Yeah, Dean?" John asked

"Don't forget to give Sammy Blinky." John smiled at the four year old.

"Wouldn't think of it, Dean." John said as he tucked the cotton blanket around the Sam. He calmed a little, but still refused to stop crying.

"Daddy, I think Sammy is sad."

"Why do you think he's sad Dean?" John asked, he knew Dean's game and he was willing to play along.

"Because Mommy's not here…when's she coming back?" Dean asked as he curled into his dad's side.

"Dean…your mom-- your mommy isn't coming back." John could feel Dean's green orbs looking at him, and it burned.

"But, you said she was watching over us." Dean cried, "Where's she at? If she can't come back, we go see her."

"Dean, Mommy is in…mommy's in heaven. We can't visit her for a long, long time." John ran his hand through the four year old's hair. He was trembling, and from what he could tell they weren't stopping anytime soon. "Shh, Dean…It's going to be okay." _Lie!_

John sat there until Dean fell off to his dreams, he could only hope they weren't bad. "God, Mary how am I supposed to do this alone?" John asked the heavens. "What am I suppose to do?" John breathed deeply, he had tried, he really had, but the tears were flowing down his face like a waterfall—and he couldn't stop them.

_If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain  
I will help you put the pieces back  
A little more each day  
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key  
Lay your head upon my shoulder  
I'll set you free  
I'll be your security_

Thanks for reading, hope you all enjoyed it enough to review!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Of 2

_A moment of despair  
That forces you to say that life's unfair  
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring  
But don't go giving into fear  
Stop hiding all alone in there  
The show keeps going on and on  
But you'll miss the whole damn thing  
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds  
But we don't know how the story ends till it's all been told_

John sat up in the bed in the hotel room he rented; it'd been a week since Mary died. He couldn't close his eyes without seeing Mary silently screaming for help, her gown torn and torso sliced, and the flames consuming her. John had never been an insomniac until that day, but he just couldn't close his eyes, he didn't want to see her that way and he didn't want to leave his babies unprotected. Sam hadn't stopped crying since the fire, it was like something bad was in Sam and it wouldn't leave him alone. And Dean would say a word; he just nods and shakes his head at John's questions or sits with Sammy and cries. John knows the boy is traumatized; he has to be the way he cries out for his mommy every night.

John looked over at Dean and Sam. He could tell Dean was awake, he always wakes up when the nightmares get bad, he wakes up and he holds Sam close, and he cries. Captain Rogers told him to get Dean into counseling, but he refused, Dean didn't want to go and John wasn't going to make him.

"Dean? Come here." John said as he picks up Dean and carries him across the room. "It's okay, don't cry."

Dean nodded, but he continued to tremble as he cried inconsolably.

"Dean, don't cry. Shhh…" John whispered in the little boy's ear, but it was no use. He put Dean back in the bed with Sammy.

John turned on the lamp and looked in the drawer for the standard phonebook, and searched the yellow pages. He had a call to make.

John pulled into the driveway in front of a restored Victorian house. It was the address the woman gave him. She was supposed to be a psychic and she said she had the answers John wanted, and he believed, because he had no other choice.

The front door opened and a black woman in a mu'umu'u stepped onto the porch. "You John Winchester?" She hollered and a high pitched country accent.

"Yeah, I'm John Winchester." He answered; he didn't feel like John Winchester though. His five o'clock shadow had grown into a full beard and he felt himself getting older by the second. "I'm John Winchester." He repeated.

"Well, what you waiting for? You bring the little boys inside; you don't leave children in cars." She said as she came down from the porch and help John. "So who are these cute little boys?

John took Sam out of the car seat and handed him to the woman. "This is Sammy and this is Dean." John said as he helps Dean out of the car.

"Ya'll come inside, I'll get Dean some cookies and milk and just some juice for Sam, and is coffee good, John?" She said cheerfully.

John looked at Dean and Sam, it was eerie, as they came up to the house Sam and stopped crying and started giggling, just like he used to, hopefully it was going to be a permanent change for the baby.

"Miss Moseley do you really think you can help me find out what happened to Mary?"

She nodded, "But, this will change everything for you and your children." She whispered so Dean wouldn't hear. "Dean, honey, come with me to the kitchen, I just took the cookies out of the oven." She turned to face John. "Do you have Sam's bottle, I'll fix him some apple juice.

John handed her the bottle with a little water in it. She poured the juice and handed it to Dean. "Don't let him drink to fast okay sweetie. Your father and I are going to be in the next room okay." She said as they left the room.

"What happened to my wife Miss Moseley wasn't natural. People just don't burst in the flames like that, especially not on the ceiling." John said in a low voice.

"John, do you believe in the supernatural?" She asked as she reached for the book on the table.

"What do you mean the supernatural, are we talking fairies and goblins?" John asked

"I mean ghost and demons; I sensed it all around you and your baby." She said

"Are you crazy, because I refuse to have this tragedy made mockery of?" John said in an angry whisper.

"No, I swear to you John, I'm not lying. Everything from werewolves to demons to gargoyles is real. And there is a whole world out there of hunters that will kill the thing in the closest for you." Missouri said coldly. "And John I'm sorry to say if you really want revenge against the demonic force that took your wife away from you, you are going to have join it."

"No, this isn't real, it can't be."

"Sorry John, but unless you can think of any other logical explanation of why your wife burst into flames while pent to the ceiling, this is the only explanation." Missouri returned forcefully.

"Daddy?" John and Missouri looked up to see teary eyed Dean holding Sammy.

"It's okay Dean. Say goodbye to Miss Moseley, so we can go." John said quickly as he got up off the cushioned couch.

"Wait, John, here is a contact; he knows everything there is to know. His name is William Harvelle, he runs a hunter's roadhouse, call him! He will give you some information. And here, take this, it's the basics of the supernatural, learn it." Missouri said as she walked behind John.

"How do you know I'm even going to contact him?" John asked as he opened the door and led his boys outside.

"I know, remember I'm psychic." She said as John walked out of the door. "You will, John Winchester, you will!"

John had been watching the phone for the past two hours. He left brain wanted to call the number Missouri had given him, but his right brain told him he shouldn't. What Missouri said, how she said, made him believe every word she said? She had it all ready and he hadn't even told her many details. She even had a book. She even made a point to say this could change everything. And it almost made since, or maybe he just wanted to believe it. God, what she said, the information she gave scared John shitless. I hadn't even looked in the closest because he thought the boogeyman was going to jump out.

John picked up the hotel phone and dialed the number Missouri gave him. "Damn it, why did you have to plant these ideas in his head?"

"Hello, Harvelle's Roadhouse, may I help you?" A woman answered.

"Hello, I'm calling for William Harvelle; Missouri told me he could help." John said quickly.

"You Winchester?"

"Yes ma'am." John answered; something about the woman scared him like he was a little boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Yeah, she said you would be calling late…Will's on a hunt, but Bobby can probably help you just as well for the time being. I've give you his number…" John listened as she gave him the number.

"Thank you, Miss…"

"Ellen…I'm Will's wife." She said before hanging up.

John hung up the phone and started dialing again.

"Hello?"

"Hi, I'm John Winchester. Ellen Harvelle told me you could help me." John explained.

"Yeah, what is it a demon, poltergeist, werewolf?"

"Uhm, I don't know. I was told to contact William Harvelle. Something killed my wife. And I was told to get help from hunters."

"Missouri?" the voice on the other end of the line asked.

"What?" John asked

"Missouri called me. Your John Winchester?"

"Yes."

"She said you needed to learn about the hunting world." The man said, "You know there is no turning back from now on?"

"Yeah…"

"You are a damn fool, but I'll help you. Read the book Missouri gave you, and then contact me." Bobby said before hanging up.

"No going back now John, you can't go back. Just don't let it destroy what you built with Mary." John whispered

_If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain  
I will help you put the pieces back  
A little more each day  
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key  
Lay your head upon my shoulder  
I'll set you free  
I'll be your security_

**Okay so my little fic is finished, please review, this is my first John fic, and I had a lot of problems trying to keep it true to the show, but I think I got it in the end. An epilogue may be added, so keep on lookout. **

**REVIEWS ARE LOVED LIKE A DAY IN THE SPA, AND AS ALWAYS I ACCEPT ANONYMOUS REVIEWS, SO NO EXCUSE-JUST KIDDING**


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